Choking The Chicken Too Tight Can Cause Problems In The Boudoir

Some of us are apparently choking the chicken a little too hard during those daily whack sessions. Under normal circumstances, this wouldn’t be a problem: Jerk and let jerk, you know? But a new report suggests that using a “death grip” to masturbate is complicating matters in the bedroom.

Listen, we get it. Being a dude is a pretty fucked up way to go through life, especially since our unofficial second brain dangles between our legs, mocking us at every turn. You may have noticed throughout the years that it is next to impossible to focus on all of the important matters as long our schlongs are in control and doing all of the thinking. It’s like we’ve got a laundry list of chores, errands to run and places to be, and all that sicko-pricko really wants us to do is run around the city without pants humping everything that moves. This is the reason it can be, at times, necessary to give that bald-headed weirdo a savage beat down before getting on with the day.

But sometime that’s easier said than done.

No doubt, the pounding process begins with the best of intentions – nothing fancy, just cleaning out the pipes – but then somewhere around the Beaver Hunt feature in the latest Hustler magazine, the whack-act gets turned up – and we’re talking big time. It gets to the point where the only possible outcome is either a wicked concussion from smashing our heads against the bathroom sink following a blackout orgasm or going on to live the rest of our lives a full-blown Eunuch.

You see, it’s just manly nature to try and squeeze that one-eyed gonad goblin of ours through the smallest hole imaginable and then aggressively tug it off its foundation in an attempt to satisfy our most basic urges. This is the “death grip,” a term that “refers to men that masturbate with an overly tight grip on their penises—or in any fashion that applies a LOT of pressure, like humping a mattress,” Sarah Martin, MA, a certified sex coach,saidin a recent interview with Men’s Health.

Umm…humping the mattress?

At any rate, the problem is jerking off using this stranglehold form is causing some men to experiencing difficulties when the time comes to have sex with another person. They just grow so accustomed to the tightness of their own fist that it becomes the standard in slit dimensions, which makes it tougher for them to get off or to even maintain an erection. It is perhaps one of the primary reasons that every guy at some point in a relationship tries to get his girl to do anal. “It’s either that or the ear, baby, take your pick!” There are even some twisted bastards out there who prefer the constricting nature of an armpit or screwing those spaces in between their partner’s toes.

Regardless of your preference for cavernous entry points, sex experts argue that wringing your wiener out like a wet rag is probably going to make real-deal sexual encounters less enjoyable than they are supposed to be.

“If someone gets accustomed to experiencing orgasm from a lot of pressure, changing to a context with less pressure and more subtle sensations can make it difficult to experience orgasm,” Martin said.

Although the reasons why we apply the death grip have been attributed to a lack of sexual education -- the kind where boys are not being taught at a young age that pounding their peckers into submission isn’t necessary to achieve the desired result -- we, as men who have lived with dangling appendages for a few decades or so, assure you that’s not it. Men are animals consumed by boner lust – we’re more like goats than humans – and it is embedded in our caveman DNA to put our fuck sticks through whatever rigorous abuse is necessary to populate the Earth. Hey, It's not like a dick can’t take the punishment. We once watched some dude piss on an electric fence, and now he has children!

But truth be told, these so-called sex experts aren’t putting enough stake in the fact that these cock callouses that we acquire frompettin’ the walruswith zeal are not always bad and can even prevent some rather embarrassing situations in the boudoir. Let’s face it, nobody wants their girl running off to tell her friends the tale of the three pump chump. Hell no, even in this day and age of the overly sensitive, having an overly sensitive dong still isn’t cool. Therefore, putting it through boner boot camp is sometimes the best way to train it for battle. By any means necessary, fellas, by any means necessary.

But if the death-grip-jerk does happen to start causing you trouble – and your girl isn’t prepared to stuff a beer bottle up your ass to give the old prostate a jolt – it might be time to change the way you beat your meat. Sex experts say that incorporating lubricants and just being gentle with the little prick can help bring some sensitivity back to the balls. But man, we’re old school fuckers around here, back from a time when men needed nothing more than a palm full of spit to spank it, if anything at all. Dicks are just meant to bleed from time to time. If you want our advice, if that ungrateful pecker of yours becomes problematic in any way, do what your fathers did: Smack it up against a tree a couple of times to show it who’s boss and move on with your lives.

You can’t coddle them forever.

READ THE CENSORED VERSION AT BROBIBLE.