F*ck Y'all Quarantine Vegans, I Need Some Meat!


Author’s Note: Being in public relations must really suck. These people sit in an office all day, firing off emails to deadbeat journalists in hopes of gaining some media coverage for their clients. Most of the time they get ignored. Hell, I personally dodge hundreds of them every stinking day. And on the rare occasion that I do spot something enticing and reach out with some interest in doing a story, the email exchange is about as boring as it gets – kind of like boning through a hole in a sheet. Why, yes, I’m interested in trying that product. Please send whatever you have to the following address. So, during the pandemic, I figured I’d give them a little more. While countless PR people continued to hammer me with emails, presumably from their homes, I hit a few of them back with some literary voodoo that none of them were expecting. Is it fiction or actual accounts of these crazy times in America? Well, that’s up to you to decide.

Hi Mike,

I hope you're doing well during this hectic time - how are you feeling?

Also, I wanted to share...What’s high in protein, has zero sugar and is made from nothing artificial? Stryve Beef Biltong, Covet PR’s newest addition to its roster.

Now, if you’re wondering WTF biltong is, we’ve got the answer. 1.) It is not jerky. 2.) It is an air-dried, high-quality steak snack that utilizes a process for preserving meat that originated centuries ago in South Africa.

Quick facts about Stryve biltong:

  • More protein than traditional jerky (16g in Stryve vs. average 8g in traditional jerky)

  • Zero sugar

  • 100% USA beef

  • No MSG, gluten, nitrates or preservatives

  • Comes in delicious flavors including Spicy Peri Peri, Zesty Garlic, Hickory, and Hatch Green Chile.

Are you interested in learning more about Stryve beef biltong and the process of crafting this premium snack & trying it out for yourself? I’d be more than happy to send samples and further information.

All the best,

Erica

Hi Erica!

Boy, you got me at the right time with this email. Ever since the COVID debacle struck, I’ve been social distancing myself off the grid. Not too far off the grid, mind you. I still have cell service. It hasn’t been easy, though, Erica, I assure you. I’ve been living on mostly wild berries, whatever bugs I can scrounge up, and the plants that don’t smell like they’ve been pee’d on by the wildlife. Needless to say, I’m getting pretty scrawny out here.

On the upside, the quiet (aside from me crying myself to sleep at night) has given me plenty of time to think. I’ve actually been working on an idea for an article, one that discusses just how difficult it is for the average man (or below average man) to summon his survival skills and live off the land. We’re definitely not built from the same stock as our fathers, that’s for sure! I mean, I can’t kill an animal for food, can’t land a fish and the insects aren’t cutting it for protein anymore.

I feel like this steak snack that you speak of would be good to have out there. It might be an excellent product to recommend to every wussy boy that thinks he’s an outdoorsman. Maybe the headline will read: Go ahead and eat a bug one night when all you’re craving is Taco Bell and we’ll see just how much of a nature boy you really are, punk! Granted, it’s a little long, but I’ll sort that out.

So, yes, please send over a bunch of samples for me to try. If you don’t mind, send extra. I’m starving to death out there. I plan on making my way back to my office soon enough. I’ll grab them then.

Send materials to:

Mike Adams

XXX Bellemeade Avenue

Unit A

Evansville, Indiana 47714

Thank you!

Hi Mike,

This is the best email I've gotten all week. I applaud you. I for one, think the title is fantastic. Sorry to hear you're withering away, but I'll get this meat sent to you right away. The slabs are the perfect new launch for a manly man who is in need of meat, and doesn't want to go to Arby's even though they have the meats there too.

Would love to see if there is some type of Slab launch feature story we could work on together. Looking forward to hearing your thoughts on the product!

All the best,

Erica

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