I'm Headed For The Hills: COVID Is Closing In
Author’s Note: Being in public relations must really suck. These people sit in an office all day, firing off emails to deadbeat journalists in hopes of gaining some media coverage for their clients. Most of the time they get ignored. Hell, I personally dodge hundreds of them every stinking day. And on the rare occasion that I do spot something enticing and reach out with some interest in doing a story, the email exchange is about as boring as it gets – kind of like boning through a hole in a sheet. Why, yes, I’m interested in trying that product. Please send whatever you have to the following address. So, during the pandemic, I figured I’d give them a little more. While countless PR people continued to hammer me with emails, presumably from their homes, I hit a few of them back with some literary voodoo that none of them were expecting. Is it fiction or actual accounts of these crazy times in America? Well, that’s up to you to decide.
With all of the chaos occurring in the world right now, I’m not going to try to overwhelm you with a long pitch. I’ve put together a simple list of things for your audience to try in the next month…. Just things to try in July.
Samples are available for relevant stories so let me know if you’re interested in any of these items and I’ll submit a request for you!
ViperSharp - ultimate knife sharpening solutions
Verve Culture - artisan handmade kitchenware and food (Mexico & Thai Collections)
Dr. Plotka’s - antimicrobial toothbrush infused with silver to naturally eliminate 99.9% of bacteria that grows on the bristles within 6 hours!
Wild Willies - premium beard care products designed and formulated for men. Proudly made in USA.
TP Kits - 100% biodegradable, resealable kit with five 2-ply tissues and two wet wipes perfect for on the go.
I appreciate the concise email. And man, it could not have come at a better time either. Ever since this virus deal started creeping in a few months back, I've felt that it was just a matter of time before it tracked me down like horny hound.
The ick just seems to love torturing me, what can I say?
Okay, full disclosure: I'm a classic, grade-A paranoid germaphobe. I was doing things like opening the doors to convenience stores with my sleeves and using hand sanitizer long before it was cool. I pretty much greet everyone I meet as though they are carrying the plague. I don't drink after people, I don't smoke weed after them. I can't even shake hands anymore without having a panic attack. I know it's pretty bad, and I probably need all sorts of medication and years of psychoanalysis to sort it out.
Only I don't have that kind of time.
I feel like the virus is closing in. It's the reason I packed a bag about a week ago and headed to the woods. Not that I'm some outdoorsy type of dude who can just venture into the wild and make it on his keen survival skills. Walmart still changes the oil in my car for the love of Pete! But I needed away from people so that I could formulate a plan for avoiding this bug.
That's when it occurred to me that my best chance at making it through this debacle alive was to just stay in the freaking woods. So here I am. Day 8. But it's been Hell on Earth, Megan. It's hot, itchy, and all of the plants that I've been foraging for food taste like they've been peed on by the wildlife. It's terrible, yet seemingly better than being strapped to life support at the local hospital. I don’t need that. The good news is that I'm still working when I can. I've been typing out articles (and my last will & testament) out here using my cell phone, walking just far enough to the outskirts of the forest to get enough bars to send drafts to my editors.
One of my latest ideas comes from this experience. It's about those guys who think they have what it takes to be survivalists but are doomed to die a miserable death after day one. I know this because I almost meet my untimely demise every freaking night! Ever try to outrun a hungry coyote, Megan? It's not fun. Pro tip: If you ever get caught in this situation, do a bunch of figure eights to throw it off your trail. Then find a tall tree to climb. Just hope to hell there's not a bear or a wild cat up there sleeping one off. They are vastly superior beasts and carnivorous to a fault. Whew! I'm getting long-winded with this email, Megan, probably because I haven't had any human contact for a while. But I know you're busy, so I'll get to the point. Some of the products in your email would be perfect additions to this article I'm writing about pretty boy posers trying to make it in the wild. I've listed the ones I'm interested in checking out and the reasons why. Please send what you can. I'll have my assistant get them to me when they arrive. But hurry. I don't know how much longer I'll make it out here.
ViperSharp Knife Sharpening Solutions: Because trying to sharpen a janky truck stop pocket knife on a rock sucks a whole lot of ass, and I don't want to do it anymore.
Verve Culture Thai Chef's Moon Knife: Because cutting stuff would surely be much easier than using this dull pocket knife of mine. Also, I think I heard some hillbillies out here the other night doing God knows what to some animal. I'm worried about what they might do to me. This blade could double as protection.
Dr. Plotka's Antimicrobial Toothbrush: Because brushing my teeth with mint leaves and my index finger is getting old. Even though I know where that finger has been, I still don't trust it much. I like the idea of using a toothbrush that eliminates almost all germs naturally. After all, good health begins in the mouth.
Wild Willies Beard Oil: Because I can't shave out here and this gnarly beard of mine is dryer than two camels trying to make a baby.
TP Kits: Um, this one is self-explanatory. You really have to be careful what kind of leaves you use out here.
Side Note: After several days, I still haven't received a response to this email. I might die out here!