I've Got To Get The Heck Out Of Dodge: The Feds Are Gaining On Me


Author’s Note: Being in public relations must really suck. These people sit in an office all day, firing off emails to deadbeat journalists in hopes of gaining some media coverage for their clients. Most of the time they get ignored. Hell, I personally dodge hundreds of them every stinking day. And on the rare occasion that I do spot something enticing and reach out with some interest in doing a story, the email exchange is about as boring as it gets – kind of like boning through a hole in a sheet. Why, yes, I’m interested in trying that product. Please send whatever you have to the following address. So, during the pandemic, I figured I’d give them a little more. While countless PR people continued to hammer me with emails, presumably from their homes, I hit a few of them back with some literary voodoo that none of them were expecting. Is it fiction or actual accounts of these crazy times in America? Well, that’s up to you to decide.

Hi Mike,

I hope you’re well! I am checking in to ask if you are working on new product round-ups or cannabis/hemp stories as I would love to share the below new hemp sparkling water with you!

MAD TASTY, an all-natural, low-calorie beverage with 20mg of pure broad-spectrum hemp extract, just launched their new mystery flavor – Unicorn Tears! And for every online purchase of Unicorn Tears from now through May 21, MAD TASTY will donate all profits from online sales to The American Red Cross.

MAD TASTY was created by one of the music industry’s leading singers, songwriters, and producers, Ryan Tedder of OneRepublic, and brings together best-in-class partners and expert collaborators – Interscope, First Bev, and Sorse Technology.

Sōrse Technology houses the mad scientists who created the foundation of MAD TASTY – a water- soluble, odorless, and tasteless CBD emulsion. Sōrse, along with expert formulators, created a hemp-infused sparkling water that’s safe, shelf stable and unbeatable in flavor. The beverage:

Contains 20 milligrams of pure broad-spectrum hemp extract per can.

Contains no added sugars or sweeteners.

Is available in three delicious flavors: Watermelon Kiwi, Grapefruit, and new mystery flavor Unicorn Tears.

Is MAD TASTY a fit for anything you are working on?

More information on the brand is below and the new Unicorn Tears flavor can be purchased here with product images available here. Samples are available upon request – we’d love to send some magic your way!

Thanks,

Cristina

Hey Cristina! I don’t know about “doing well” per se, but I am hanging in there. It’s all we can do, am I right? I’ve been hunkered down here in my apartment in Southern Indiana for so long that I’m actually starting to engage in conversations with myself. You ever do that? Maybe it’s all of the day drinking and the meth. Don’t worry, it’s not the hard stuff like those hillbillies in Kentucky are making. This drug, at least I’m convinced this is true, could eventually be found to have therapeutic properties if the goddamned government just had the balls to study it.

But no, that’s never going to happen. Not with all the bureaucracy, red tape and all that noise, you know?

I have to admit, it does have a tendency to make me a little paranoid. Or maybe it just allows me to see the truth. All I can tell you is I’ve had my eye on the smoke detector in my living room for about the past week. Just between you and me, there’s something fishy about it. I believe it might be a bug. Planted by who? Maybe the government. I just know that it can’t be trusted. I know, I know. Why would Uncle Sam have the faintest interest in me – a nearly unemployed cannabis journalist -- especially considering with all they have going on trying to tame this virus? Huh, I have no idea. But “they” (the FBI, CIA, NSA) are evidently trying to get inside my head, somehow, someway. I mean, I still haven’t received my stimulus check like every other tax-paying American. I even tried contacting the IRS yesterday to see what’s what, and all they could tell me is that they don’t have any record that I even exist. WTF? I’ve got to tell you, Cristina, I feel like a stranger in a strange land. A man without a country.

They are trying to starve me out.

What I think is: These clowns are trying to con me into giving them my bank info so they can freeze my accounts and leave me for broke. Well, I’m one step ahead of those bastards, let me tell you. I withdrew all of my money the other day and socked it away here at home. It’s right next to my “Get The Heck Out of Dodge” bag that I have sitting next to my bed just in case the shit hits the fan. In this business, Cristina, you just never know when it’s going to be high time to haul ass to the woods and spend the rest of your days living off the land.

I fear that time is coming.

At any rate, let’s get down to the business at hand – this Mad Tasty: Unicorn Tears sparkling water that you speak of. I’ll be honest with you, I’m in desperate need right now of a surplus of hemp water. Because if and when I am forced out of civil society and into the uncertainty of the elements with a bunch of wild animals gnawing at my every appendage – dangling or otherwise -- I’m going to need to stay hydrated if I ever expect to survive. The first 24-hours are going to be crucial.

Unfortunately, I haven’t been able to get to the store for supplies, most of which has to do with being scared to death that I might get sneezed on and end up a statistic. No, no, no, Cristina, they ARE NOT going to take me down like that! So, yes, please send over as much of those Unicorn Tears as you can possibly spare. My mailing address is below. Send it c/o Water Department. Wink, wink, nudge, nudge. Oh, by the way, I also wouldn’t mind some of that Watermelon Kiwi. It sounds like a damn fine vodka mixer. A hell of a lot better than the tap water and lemon juice I have been using. What can I tell you? Times are-a-getting-hard out here.

Although I can’t make any promises, I will do my very best to give your drink a proper review before going on the lam. That is if “they” don’t catch up to me first. These are trying times, Cristina, so please be safe out there. Stay off the drugs, and keep your eyes and ears open. We got to stay sharp.

Mailing Address:

XXXX Bellemeade Avenue

Evansville, Indiana 47714

Sincerely,

Mike Adams

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