Gator Wrestling My Ass Out Of COVID Country

July 13, 2020

 

Author’s Note: Being in public relations must really suck. These people sit in an office all day, firing off emails to deadbeat journalists in hopes of gaining some media coverage for their clients. Most of the time they get ignored. Hell, I personally dodge hundreds of them every stinking day. And on the rare occasion that I do spot something enticing and reach out with some interest in doing a story, the email exchange is about as boring as it gets – kind of like boning through a hole in a sheet. Why, yes, I’m interested in trying that product. Please send whatever you have to the following address. So, during the pandemic, I figured I’d give them a little more. While countless PR people continued to hammer me with emails, presumably from their homes, I hit a few of them back with some literary voodoo that none of them were expecting. Is it fiction or actual accounts of these crazy times in America? Well, that’s up to you to decide. 

 

Hello Mike,

 

Tech Neck Pain is something many experience nowadays because we stay out our desks and stare at screens for too long. It’s easy to find the back of neck in pain and shoulder muscles tensing. Fortunately, you can relieve tech neck pain by applying Muscle MX’s CBD Recovery balm for a cooling relief and even better, rolling tense areas of the body with a Rykr Roll to find your painless lifestyle again.

 

Muscle MX Recovery CBD balm helps with the recovery of achy muscles, joints, and tendons with a cool, soothing relief. Recovery can be used after any activity or to treat general pain and discomfort. Perfect to block any discomfort in the body after you try the new yoga routine you pinned on Pinterest. For pregnant mothers, non-CBD version is available as well!

 

Muscle MX soothes pain and chases away soreness and inflammation with a unique CBD formula that stimulates blood flow. Muscle MX balms are formulated to provide short-term and long-term pain relief and inflammation reduction made with all-natural ingredients and broad-spectrum CBD.Muscle MX provides real pain relief without any negative effect of pain medications. 

 

Rykr Roll myofascial handheld self-massage tools alleviate pain on the muscles, promoting better oxygen flow and blood circulation to achieve optimal pain and tension relief. It offers you a moment to slow down your thoughts and sink back into your body so you can feel grounded and connected to your daily work, activities and leisure time. 

 

Rykr Roll products are a drug-free way to relieve aches, pain and stiffness in muscles and joints, improves range of motion and recovery, boosts body energy, increases blood flow, and even alleviates myofascial tenderness. Their products can be warmed or cooled depending on what your body needs – no batteries or electricity needed.

 

If you think Muscle MX balms or Rykr Roll would be a fit to stories you are working on, please let me know. I am happy to send more information and samples.

 

Looking forward to hearing from you! 

 

Regards,

 

SoYeon

 

Hello! Your message couldn’t have come at a better time. You see, I took up gator wrestling a few months back as a way to get through the COVID debacle without dying of boredom and, well, let’s just say those big-ass dinosaur-lizard beasts are strong! Thankfully, I still have all of my fingers and toes, but my neck and shoulders are freaking killing me. So yes, please send over the recovery balm and the self-message deal that your email speaks of. I’ll take them for a test ride... or roll.

 

You get the gist of it.

 

Send materials to:

Mike Adams

XXXX Bellemeade Avenue

Evansville, Indiana 47714

 

Looking forward to it.

-Crocodile Mikey

 

Hi Michael,

 

Wow! I would never be brave enough to go alligator wrestling – that is extremely impressive! That must have been quite an adventure. Was this your first time doing it?

 

Definitely can send you both the Rykr Roll and Muscle MX CBD Recovery balm – they should help you relieve your tense muscles.

 

Regards,

SoYeon

 

First and last, SoYeon. First and last. You see, what nobody tells you is not only will those dead eyed fuckers try to roll and eat you (asshole and all), but they'll also try to make babies with you. Ever seen a crocodile pecker, SoYeon? Well, it ain't pretty. If you ask me, it kind of looks like an alien straight out of the poon cocoon. It also looks a whole lot like a dick, so take that for what it's worth. It's complicated, freaky and I don't want to be on wrong end of it. Oh, and get this shit, SoYeon. It's permanently erect, too! Yep, croc cocks are hard 24/7. Uh-uh-fucking-uh, I learned a long time ago never to mess with anything that's always ready to fuck something. So that's it for me, SoYeon. Enough is enough with all of that gator shit. I'm thinking about moving on to wombats. I've heard through the grapevine that those bastards can't fight for shit!

 

-Mike Adams

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